For God Glory and Gold!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008
if it kills me

My sister just left to go back to Dubai and somehow I feel a kind of homesickness, like I am the one who's leaving. Maybe because she's the one who followed me to NUS and helped me with my school stuff and everything that's been stressing me out, I have been YELLING to her about it. Just freaking out on her and just refusing to see the light.

Yeah I tend to focus on the negative things and usually when people try to tear me away from the source of my stress, I get more angry. Noone can stress me out better than me. I am my worst nightmare. Too bad I cant develop a split personality right now to get away from myself.

Anyways, it was my sister who got the new desktop and printer for us, with Abak paying for it and then there was the drama about how Abak felt cheated by Aishah and I don't want to get into that cos it's messy and unnecessary and very geram-nating.

So goodbye sister and hope you can come back very soon. She came back with clothes, hairbands, earrings and 3 bags for me this time round. But that's not why I want her to come back. She can come with nothing too and it would have been fine cos I don't know. I like to have my comforts near me because I am neurotic and paranoid and one of those people who are very likely to develop an anxiety disorder in addition to my compulsive disease. All the reasons why I can't bear to be far away from home. Not even to stay a night at Jurong or something. I need my family for the different2 ways they make me feel safe, even Izzah.

Speaking of which, that monyet just came to tell me she wanted to get new speakers for our new computer lah and I told her it was unnecessary and that she should save her money because even if she has money now, doesn't mean she will have it in the future and she still has her camera loan and other "loans" to pay off so an enhancement to our brand new computer is not a necessity. And she flung vulgarities at me. Stupid monkey next time don't come look for me. Be more prudent for godsakes! Urgh can't stand it sak.

I should stay calm and take my modules one at a time. So what if I don't have friends in the same class? I should do my timetable at MY convenience, not theirs. So really Madah just suck it up. You went to orientation talk alone this morning, so chill ah. You won't die. Really you won't. So just grab onto a stranger and ask him to blow the dust out of your eye if you need to. Come on, none of this is going to matter in a few years time. Enjoy school enjoy school enjoy school enjoy school enjoy school enjoy school enjoy school.

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
11:53:00 PM

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I just happened to log into Friendster after months and I just happened to see Alif's shoutout and it made me curious so after so many weeks, I logged into my Multiply and went to look at Raudhah's page.

Inalillah. Aunty Zarina passed away on Thursday. I cannot absorb that fact still. I knew she had cancer but I was so certain that nothing bad was going to happen. I remember bumping into Raudhah last year at the bustop, while we were on the way to school and I just casually asked about her mother and she started crying right on the spot and I felt so bad and I tried comforting her and convincing her that it was going to be okay. I WAS SO SURE.

I feel awful. My jiran, my friend who I was very close with all those years ago and we just let ourselves drift apart. But I still remember how senang hati we were all those times long time ago, when we used to run around our neighbourhood, when I used to send food to their house for buka.

Let's sedekahkan Al-fatihah for Aunty Zarina, everyone who reads this. Hope she's at peace, and that her family would stay strong and keep together in these hard times. Amin.

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
6:28:00 PM

heart pain

I remember giving Pippin her medication and feeling terrible about it but god, it was SO easy to give it to her. I just gave Darlia & Sleeper their meds and the first one that they got, they started foaming at the mouth.

Okay I immediately called the vet and she said it wasn't cos it's poisonous to them or whatever, but it was cos of the taste and that's why they're spitting it all out. So yeah they were dripping saliva everywhere. Like buckets full of foamy saliva. That I tried to carefully wipe but they had already learn not to get near me. Darlia bit down on my so hard that my hand started bleeding and I got blood all over their meds.

The second bottle was much better cos it smelled sweet like cough syrup so I guess it tastes a whole load better. But after all was said and done, when I tried to go into the balcony to sayang-sayang them, to say sorry for forcing it on them, they ran away from me. They completely don't trust me anymore. Darlia refuses to go near me and Sleeper was very hesistant to let me touch her and she shrank away from me and didn't even purr when I stroked her fur.

The worst part? I have to give them the meds twice a day, for seven days. It's like antibiotics so I CANT stop the medication half way cos it'll be worse the next time they fall sick.

I finally understand how my mother feels when she tells us that if she could do it on her own, she would! And it's frustrating when we don't help out. Like just now I tried to give Darlie her ubat on my own but she's too strong and I couldn't do it so I asked Tina to help and Tina was in her teenage angst mood cos Abak just scolded her.

So Tina yelled at me to go away and that she'll help me "in a moment in a moment" and slammed her bedroom door on me and continued to lie down inside, texting away on her goddamn handphone. I was suppose to give the kittens their medication right after they ate and they ate like at 11 plus in the morning and again at 1pm and by then it was already 2.30pm and they still haven't taken their ubat.

So I sat in the living room, serious macam nak nangis rabak nyer. Because I'm not asking Tina to do this for me what. This is not to help ME. It's for THEM. Just because she marah with my dad, she does'nt want to help me give the kittens the ubat? If I could do it myself, dah siang2 aku gi buat okay. So I just sat there quietly by myself, waiting for Tina to finally get off her high throne and when she came out, I couldn't marah her or whatever cos I really needed her help.

So I just quietly did it even though I was so fucking angry. Everything pon I have to do on my own. Clean their litterbox lah, wash the balcony lah. When they sakit, I was the one who had to drop everything and rush to the vet. Every single thing is MY money. I didn't want two cats because it would cost alot more but takkan nak separate them. I didn't want to do that so I HAVE to bear all the cost myself.

The taxi driver that sent me back from the vet said something that I realized was very true. He said, if you didn't have the money to care for your pets, then you shouldn't have accepted them in the first place. Might as well kasi orang lain yang lagi mampu to jaga if you can't afford it and just choose to just let them be. So yeah because I wanted them so much, I have to pay for and do everything. I just wish somebody would help me out once in a while.

Serious sak I'm so close to tears sak typing this, since yesterday. Ah so emosi and penat sey. Macam ada anak. I hope they stop hating me soon. And I'm hungry!

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
3:30:00 PM

how my Friday went to hell

I didn't follow the plan at all. Woke up at 11 so I missed my chance to try to win SingFest tix in the morning. Missed half of Oprah but got to watch the rest. I needed to rush to Rao's so I quickly went to clean my cats' litter box, only to find that she had a terrible stomach upset and there was blood and it was everywhere and I was beyond stressed so I had to call and make an appointment with the vet, but only at 3pm cos they were closed before that.

Had to run to print photos and there was an annoying Siglap couple in front of me, who were flirting at the photo machine and just pondering their oh ever so important decision on whether they should or should not print these pictures. Like HELLO, you don't go to the cashier and THEN decide on what you want to buy DO YOU? Bloody retards.

Had to run to the IKEA bustop (in the rain) to take the bus to Rao's place, pass her the memory card and then hurry back to IKEA to get Yana's frame and by then it was past 3pm and the vet was calling me like, "where are you" and I was so tired and I hadn't eaten a single thing (much less chicken chop from ITAS!) but quickly packed my lovelies and had to go out in the rain again to hail a taxi and rush to the vet.

Paid like ..... ALOT for their medication and taxi fare and all and they were so heavy and I had to do all that by myself. Ran back home and I didn't have time to give them meds cos had to rush to meet Aisyah already.

From then on it was okay except now I'm back home again and I can hear them meowing. I hate confining them like this but they're sick! URGH I hate them being sick. I hate them having to take meds twice a day that I have to give. And I hate that I have to force them to eat. Oh god please let them be good kitties. I'm so screwed if I have to do all this by myself.

On top of that, the NUS people still haven't gotten back to me about my registration package, even though they said the matter has been "resolved." EH FUCK lah my matriculation is on freaking MONDAY and then I need to BID for courses so don't screw me up like this ah. Now's the weekend already but I am still going to try to harass them. Screw you all to hell!!!

Haiz.

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
3:40:00 AM

Thursday, July 24, 2008

kitten in heat

My dad is trying to rotan my kitten, Sleeper. He took out the rotan and really chased after her. I am going CRAZY. Come on man, she's just a kitten! She doesn't get it! She wants to have sex damnit!

And my attempts to run around with a string to tire her and Darlia out ended up with me on the floor, sweat dripping and panting. Maccows. And the both of them just sat there, watching me for more. Cows sleeper is yowling like fuck ah. Now I have to keep her in the balcony cos she's just making too much NOISE!! I hate keeping them in the balcony cos it's so restraining. But Sleeper nie, really ah can't walk around the living room.

I can't wait for this cycle to be over. If it ever does.

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
11:02:00 PM

Okay Darlia just scared the crap out of me by climbing out of the balcony and almost landing on the outside. I don't let them out because all sorts of crap might happen and COWS, stop it with the escape attempts! She's too chicken to run far but one day, her timid curiosity will get her in to trouble!

And Sleeper is in heat. Most definitely. She's so bloody noisy, yowling like a bitch in heat all the time, I get so annoyed!!! Cannot sleep okay!! Bleargh.

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
12:07:00 AM

Monday, July 21, 2008

Can durian turn basi? Omg I just tried eating one of my durians and it was wet and slimy and it didn't smell nice and like WHAT THE HELL SAK. They're still in their shells and I just realize what a mistake that was to leave them inside, especially since the durian is already cut half open so cepat busuk right? And we left them out too in this weather.

Shitte ah my durians are actually perspiring!! Im so worried!! What a waste of durian kan?? COWS IM SO UPSET. Theres like 4 biji there and cows, I should have eaten it but my stomach wasn't feeling too good so I kept putting it off now I'm so screwed. NOOO DURIANS!! I HAVE TO SAVE YOU!!! IM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE TO HELP YOUUUUU UWEEKK!!!

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
12:07:00 AM

Sunday, July 20, 2008

when your shadow walks faster than you

Madah wants to go SingFest badly. Madah doesn't have money to go to SingFest. Madah just wants to see Jason Mraz. Madah just wants things to fall into place. Madah is short-tempered these days. Madah needs to smoke her way out. Madah wants to see one person. Madah had something really interesting to blog, about her father but she's too lazy to type it out. Madah assures you that it was funny. But Madah can't be bothered to gather her thoughts together.

Aigoooo....

Madah bored. Madah hungry. Come play with me!

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
10:06:00 PM

Thursday, July 17, 2008

chaos only by chance

Woke up super early just to accompany Sya for her medical check up (and Yana & me were late anyways) and then went to see my mother at the kedai at Tanjong Pagar area. Cows, what a wide selection of food to choose from and all super cheap! So lovely but I had a stomachache so I couldn't eat more.

Went to Bugis to look for our stuff but we couldn't find what we wanted so in despair, the three of us sat down on some random stairs to rest our feet. And then we got up to try walking around again and then Aisyah suddenly says, "Eh isn't the Dark Knight coming out today? Should we go watch it?"

It was not even 3pm yet and all three of us were in agreement so Sistic Aisy, being the organized being that she is, immediately assigned duties to us. "Yana you call GV, Mada you call Shaw, I'll call Cathay."

And Yana's like, "But I don't have their number!"

Oh yeah right, like that's going to be a problem. Yes ladies and ants, Sya had all three numbers in her handphone.
We got the best timing available and quickly walked to The Cathay to watch our 2nd movie in two weeks (and at just $6 too!).

~*~

Okay come now people, everyone knows that the new Batman movie isn't about the Batman at all. It's about THIS guy.

And no, The Joker isn't a big deal because the actor who played him died too young of unnatural circumstances. No, The Joker is a big deal because he's one of the top 10 villains of all time! (in my opinion of course) He's an absolute classic; and Jack Nicholson's Joker WAS awesome. I love that scene of him walking in the restaurant that he had gas-ed with his henchmen, dancing with his cane.

Heath Ledger's Joker is completely different but just as brilliant, I feel. Come on, was I thinking about the late Ledger while I was watching this?? Not at all! I completely forgot that the guy had already passed away and I just ENJOYED the movie for what it is! So chill out ah critics and citric acids!

I think it's a nice enough movie to watch at the cinemas, maybe too long for some but I didn't really feel it. Ah let the lord of chaos rule!!

Love the Batmobil.

And we just want to eat this guy up, he's so yummy. And I mean Bruce Wayne, not Batman.

Nothing like running into a psychopath to ruin your day.
"Kau buat kejer giler ah!" (cackles at Aisyah)

~*~

I'm so full with popcorn right now. Overload on sugar, giler. Went to that place Fas mentioned to get our hair cut but COWS, they close super early and I'm so irritated I might not want to go there again. But I will.

Oh the other movie we watched was "Wanted." VERY NICE. Especially that curving the bullet thing-y. But according to Sya, "I didn't learn that in physics!"

Okay next show we want to watch is "Bad Habits". Join us if you're free! Till then.

Ps: I have a freaking English test tmr!!!

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
10:35:00 PM

Sunday, July 13, 2008

talk about "langgar wire"

Wrote a detailed entry but it got deleted by my thrice-damned computer.

Okay here in summary. Went to watch fireworks with great people, good cameras and yummy food. Got dropped off at Bedok but ended up taking the wrong train and ending up back in Lavender and literally taking the last train home.

Don't ask how it happened, I am just beyond...urgh. Nobody dislikes me more than I do right now. What a complete waste of time. I knew something bad was going to happen cos you know the saying, "Laugh too much and you'll end up crying". Well, not crying with mirth, but more like you'll bound to run headlong into sadness.

Well, right before they dropped me off at Bedok, Aishah and me were cackling in the backseat, in full-blown senang-hatiness. Talking about our magic trishaw (or tricycle according to her) that had all these wonderful gadgets that just made us giggle right down to our toes. Ye lah tu, ketawe lagi ketawe lagi! Kan sampai naik MRT ke Lavender. Terus muker sedih sorang-sorang, all the way to Pasir Ris.

URGH. *pulls my hair out*

*~*Excuse me While I Tend to How I Feel @
12:40:00 AM

Wednesday, July 09, 2008